


How many days until I go crazy.

by Tryingmikeywinters



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Depressed Clarke Griffin, F/F, F/M, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicidal Clarke Griffin, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, clarke griffin self harms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-15
Updated: 2020-09-15
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:29:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26478751
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tryingmikeywinters/pseuds/Tryingmikeywinters
Summary: Clarke griffin just can’t do it anymore.(Different scenarios where Clarke self harms, snaps, rants, is suicidal, things like that)(Please read the first chapter for a better explanation)
Kudos: 19





	1. Chapter 1

Hey guys, so I re-watched the 100 the other day (58 hours in 5 days, no joke) and I forgot how much Clarke went through until I watched the show again. I really like her, and the poor girl has gone through so much. I just wished that she would snap and rant at people, and get people to see how hard it’s been for her, so I decided to write this book. 

I know that logically I probably couldn’t do a full on story with multiple chapters and a proper plot, so I’m doing this instead. 

I’m going through every episode of the 100, and I’m choosing scenes where Clarke will snap, rant, self harm, be sad and depressed, cry, and try’s to commit suicide.

There will be multiple chapters based around the same scenes, but the things will be different.

So for example, after Monty reads out the names, I have different chapters planned. One where just Monty talks to Clarke in the office, and one where a few people talk to her in the office. 

I hope that makes sense.

Anyway, I hope you all enjoy.

Spoilers for up to season 6.


	2. Chapter 2

“Clarke?” Monty asks softly as he opens the door to the office, freezing at the sight inside.  
“Clarke?” he asks horrified, eying the surgical knife she held up to her wrist.  
“Monty!” Clarke says with a smile when she looks up.  
“Clarke, why don’t you put the knife down?” Monty suggests gently. Clarke ignores him, barley paying attention when Bellamy, Raven, Octavia, Miller, Harper and Jasper walks inside behind him.  
“Clarke?” Raven hesitates, eying the knife warily. Blurry eyed, Clarke looks from Monty to Raven.  
“Don’t you worry Raven, I won’t be around much longer” Clarke slurs, smiling. Raven freezes at the blondes words.  
“She’s drunk” Bellamy states with a frown, worried about his friend. It wasn’t like Clarke to get drunk.  
“I’ll join you sister” Jasper speaks, joke evident despite the slight worry he felt about the girl he was suppose to hate. It earns him a glare.  
“Why won’t you be around for much longer Clarke?” Harper asks softly, hiding her frown. She just wanted to help the girl.  
“You guys don’t need me, everyone hates me, so I’m leaving” Clarke shrugs, digging the knife a little bit deeper, not seeing the horrified looks on her friends faces in her drunken haze.  
“And I’m not leaving like running away, no no no” Clarke states, shaking her head.  
“I’m leaving this earth forever. Good riddance I say!”. Bellamy sneaks forward a step, wondering if he could grab the knife while Clarke was distracted.  
“You said something today Monty” Clarke speaks, gaining Monty’s attention.  
“You said I don’t get to choose who lives and dies, but I do get to choose who gets to live and die. I have to. People don’t like me being in charge, but they look to me for leadership, they don’t like being bossed around by me, but they look to me for guidance. I had to step up and make sure we lived and did the right thing because no one else would. I have to choose how to save my people. I put my people before anyone else and I get hate for it. I save my people, And my people hate me for it. I save my people, I get hate for it, I try to save others, my people hate me for it. I try to save everyone, and people get killed. I ruin everything. I can’t step back because people look at me to get things done, but I get hate for being in charge. I can’t seen to do anything right” Clarke sighs, digging the knife deep enough to draw blood.  
“I tried to keep the peace with the grounders and I screwed up. I finally started to get through to Anya, and I got her killed. I trusted Lexa, and she betrayed us. I killed Finn, the first person I had been with, so the grounders wouldn’t kill the rest of my people, and Raven hates me for it. I had to choose whether I left my people in the mountain to be killed for their blood and bone marrow, or to kill people. Innocents, kids, people who helped us, to get my people to safety. Now Jasper hates me. I went to Polis to let people know that a bomb was to be dropped, I knew about that damn bomb, and I listened to Lexa, who told me to go with her. I got more people killed. I fell in love with Lexa, and she was killed in front of me. She wasn’t mean to die, I was actually meant to die. But no, because of me, she died. Because of me. It’s always me. Always my fault. Everyone’s dies because of me. I get everyone killed. I choose who lives and dies because I have to. I am Wanheda, commander of death. I bare it so they don’t have to” Clarke whispers. 

Clarke is looking down at the desk in front of her, not seeing the horrified looks on the faces of the people in front of her. People who didn’t know that she felt this way, people who didn’t know that she had been in love with Lexa.

“Clarke, I’m sorry for reading the list of names out in front of everyone. You’re right, you do get to choose who lives and dies, because you have to, because you’re putting your people first, because you always put your people first, and you know what’s good for your people. You’re putting your people and the human race first because you have to, because you know it’s the right thing to do. You’re doing something no one else has the balls to do, and I shouldn’t get angry at you for making the hard but important decision. If it was me or anyone else in charge of making that list, we’d probably put our friends first. We wouldn’t be thinking logically like you were. So I am so so sorry. For reading out the list, for causing problems for you, and for saying that you don’t get to choose who lives and dies” Monty apologises. 

“Clarke, I’m sorry for being so cold with you. You didn’t know that Finn had a girlfriend at the time you got with him. That isn’t on you, it’s on Finn. And, you did something I couldn’t. I wouldn’t have been able to kill Finn, but you were able to. You clearly loved him, but you had to put your people first. You saved many by killing one person. And we all know that would have been so damn hard on you, because at the end of the day, you loved Finn, and he loved you too. So I am so, so sorry” Raven apologies. 

“I’m sorry too Clarke. I’ve hated you for too long. You were putting your people first. You always do. You did have to choose between your people and the people of the mountain, which was unfair on you. And realistically, I probably wouldn’t have been able to kill Cage. I may have gotten myself killed, as well as more of our people. So I’m sorry, for what I said, the attitude. All of it. And I’m sorry for Finn and Lexa. I didn’t know about Lexa, but you clearly loved her” Jasper speaks.

“You had to make the hard decision as leader. Lexa asked you to go with her. She was born to be a leader, she’s more experienced. You were just following her lead. I can’t blame you for that. So I’m sorry for the attitude” Octavia apologises.

“I’m sorry for not standing up for you, and I’m sorry for not being behind you all the way, when I was behind the others. That’s unfair. I’m behind you from now on” Harper states with a gentle smile.  
“Me too” Miller nods. 

“I’m sorry for everything Clarke. I’m sorry for not being behind you when we first landed. I’m sorry that you got all the blame when I was also apart of what happened at the mountain. I killed just as many people as you, for my people as well, but you always got the blame, the hate. You bare it so we didn’t have to, but you shouldn’t have to. We have all done stuff, for our people, and a lot for ourselves. Everything you did was for us, was for your people. And even then you still tried to help others. I’m sorry for not being a better leader. I’ll be there for you, I promise. We’re your family, we’ll prove it to you. Please don’t leave us, we can’t function without you” Bellamy jokes, ignoring his tears. Clarke lets out a wet chuckle as she wipes her cheeks.  
“Well, I cant leave you now. You couldn’t get passed a week without me” Clarke speaks, smiling when everyone, her family, laughs.


End file.
